


The Patcher

by AutomaticBulldozer



Category: Kirby (Video Games), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Bribery, Intersex, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:41:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29582520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutomaticBulldozer/pseuds/AutomaticBulldozer
Summary: If you were a Smash character, how far would you go for a buff?
Kudos: 4





	1. Prologue

It wasn't Sakurai. It wasn't Master Hand nor Crazy Hand. It wasn't Tabuu, nor Master Core, nor Galeem nor Darkhon. It wasn't even the CEO of Nintendo. Nobody knew the true identity of the man who oversaw and finalised the balance patches for Smash, but they knew it was one man, and they knew where his office was: it was a room, behind a door which was like any other, with a label on it bearing the same style of typography as the rest: black serif text on a white background; and the words on the label were, in boldly stroked kanji, "Balancing Head Dept." It didn't look any different from the other doors. And yet, this door carried a strange and unsettling aura.

All that anyone knew about the man that brought buffs and nerfs to the line-up of fighters that participated in the Smash tournament was that he was behind that door. Many were scared to go in or even approach the door. It was unlikely that anyone was going to find out his true identity; so in the meantime, they called him something else.

" _The Patcher_ ".

While Sakurai might design the character's initial toolsets, the Patcher was the only one who could change them. Each Smash tournament iteration would be divided into several balance patches, with each character's tools potentially becoming stronger or weaker. Mario's gloves may be made thicker to dampen the power of each punch. Link's sword might be made more blunt to reduce its sharpness, and heavier to make it more difficult and slower to swing. The Ice Climbers' shoes could potentially be smoothed on the bottom to decrease their traction.

One patch can change everything for a character. For some, the Patcher had made them unviable, and they didn't participate in tournament as much as they did in the previous iteration. The Patcher had the power to _destroy_ characters. Everyone, even Sakurai himself, was afraid of him, as he was the only one truly in charge of how strong or weak each character was, and whatever he said, went.

Rumour has it that the Patcher is a major criminal, using his anonymity to hide from the law. Rumour also has it that he is responsible for several cases of harassment - several variants of the sort - but has never been held accountable. There is even a rumour that he is instead Waluigi; but those are all just rumours, nothing more, and they were insignificant to Kirby. What he was focusing on was the Patcher's most recent message.

The Patcher rarely ever communicates to the outside world, but when he does, it is understandable that almost everyone in Smash would immediately jump at the chance to find out what he had to say. Sakurai would, on each instance, need the help of both Master and Crazy Hand to untangle the sea of fighters brawling over the right to read the statement. Kirby, however, was one of the wise ones. He wouldn't join in with the crowd - instead, he would wait until everyone had settled down and the area was vacant, or float above them if he felt the need - in both cases, he would still be one of the first to actually read the thing. But the overcrowding was one of the reasons Sakurai felt he had to hook the Patcher up to the social media platform Trotter, which he felt very uncomfortable about, given the Patcher's unnerving presence.

Regardless, it was done. Virtually all Smash characters would proceed to follow the Patcher's Trotter account, and every morning, they would log in to see if he had posted anything new. One morning, when Kirby was logging in, he noticed that the Patcher's most recent message had been pinned onto the front page. He read it letter for letter.

_"If any Smash fighter would like to receive a buff in the next patch, see me in my office so we can negotiate."_


	2. Pikachu and Pichu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rats go in to see the Patcher, in the hopes of securing buffs.

As Kirby sat at the table waiting for lunch to be served, he ruminated on the Patcher's message.

_"If any Smash fighter would like to receive a buff in the next patch, see me in my office so we can negotiate."_

This had both excited and scared Kirby. If there was one thing a fighter in Smash wanted, it was a buff. Buffs made them stronger and more capable in battle. They enhanced what the fighter was capable of. Mario's boots would be made of more durable materials, enhancing the power of every kick. Link's sword would be made electric, to shock and stun his foes. The Ice Climbers would have their hammers made bigger, and be permitted to wobble on a few occasions. And now, the Patcher was offering buffs to fighters! This might be Kirby's chance to finally receive a buff, after four patches of being neglected and struggling in battles. But at the same time... this was the Patcher, and he was asking for face-to-face interaction. Few people had gone in to see him. Few knew what he was like. Few knew what happened when somebody went in there. Nobody even knew if he was telling the truth or not.

Naturally, conversations and gossip about the message had manifested all throughout the morning and even into lunch time. It was the same with any other message, but this time the content within the message had sparked into the minds of numerous Smashers both hope and fear. For Kirby, it was a strange and indistinguishable mixture of the two.

"So the Patcher could be giving buffs?" asked Jigglypuff, as she sat with Kirby at their usual table.  
"I guess," Kirby answered, as he rocked back and forth, still waiting patiently for his food, "but he said he'd only do it if you go to see him."  
"Yeah..." Puff sighed. "I don't feel so sure about it, honestly."  
"Neither do I, but someone's gonna find out."  
"You're probably right. It won't be long before at least one person tries."  
"I'm counting on that, actually."  
"Huh? What?" Jiggs asked, confused.

Kirby sat straight on the stool and looked at her.

"I don't want to be the first one to find out, Jiggs. I'm sure you don't either."  
"Well, no. I don't, really."  
"But I still kinda want to know what it's like. At the same time, I don't want anyone to get hurt."  
"I guess... someone's gonna have to take that chance."  
"I know... I just feel conflicted. At the very least, I'm not going in there yet."  
"That's understandable. I guess I'll do the same."

Suddenly, Puff caught sight of Pikachu and his sister, Pichu, walking towards the Patcher's door.

"Pika, where are you two going?"  
"To the Patcher's room, of course! I want those buffs!"  
"Aren't you already strong enough?" the balloon Pokémon asked, shaking her head. But neither of the rats heard her words. For them, no buff would suffice. They simply needed _more_.

As a result of their greed, they were already approaching the door. Pikachu knocked on it with his tail.

"Enter," came the harsh, chilling voice from inside.

Pichu was noticeably trembling but wore a happy smile on her face - it was as if she was trying to hide her fear. Pikachu, on the other hand, didn't seem to present any fear at all. They both opened the door and walked through.

"Pika, don't shut it behind you...!" pleaded Jiggs in a whisper. But alas, they shut the door anyway.

Jigglypuff turned to Kirby and told him, "I'm scared for them, you know,"  
"I know, I am too," affirmed the Star Warrior. Although, at the same time, he did feel a sort of envy towards the two. Yet, he still saw them as... friends, he supposed.

He looked to the door. Nobody else was paying any attention. They were too busy in their own conversations. Kirby looked at Puff.

"Should we go and listen?" he asked with a worried expression.  
Jigglypuff nodded, and added, "Let's try to be quiet."

They both agreed and sneaked towards the door so they could eavesdrop. As Jigglypuff was better at listening (big ears), she stood closer to the door, with one ear pressed gently against it. This was what both puffballs heard.

"... Now, after that introduction, why should I give you a buff?" came the distinct voice of the Patcher.  
"Because... um..." a voice associable with Pichu stuttered.  
"We're hard working superstars! And we can't wait to be stronger and show how much skill we have!" one like Pikachu's proudly declared.  
"That's a lie and you both know it," Jiggs whispered.  
"Well," began the Patcher, then a rustling could be heard, "then I will make the two of you a deal."  
"What's he doing?" Kirby asked.  
"Shh, I'm listening!" Jiggs responded.  
"Uwah!" Pichu gasped at something.

They didn't hear anything for a while after that. It made them wonder what was going on. Was the Patcher torturing them? Was he making them do exercise? But they had no idea.

"So now we'll be getting buffs?" Pichu asked.  
"Well, Pikachu will, now that he has... ahem, done the deed," clarified the Patcher. "As for you..."  
"Huh? Pichu has to do it too?" Pikachu cried out in shock.  
"Of course," cackled the Patcher, "the deal is on an individual basis."  
"O... OK..." Pichu squeaked, almost crying, "just please... be gentle..."

They didn't hear much else for another while, until the Patcher spoke.

"Mmm, you're even better than your brother, haha..."

Pichu squealed as something occurred. After a few moments of silence, she started coughing and spluttering.

"Can you not handle that? Hmph, a hard worker indeed," scolded the harsh voice of the Patcher. "Very well, it is settled. Pichu, you too shall get a buff."  
"Th-thank... you..." Pichu expressed her gratitude, sounding as if she was crying.  
"Our business is done, then. You shall never disclose the events that have gone on here with anyone. Is that understood?"  
"Yes, er, sir," Pikachu responded, "we won't tell anyone."  
"Then you had best be on your way."  
"Let's get out of here," Jiggs whispered to Kirby, and the two of them quickly scampered to their seats.

Both of the rats exited the room, each holding a red ticket in their hand, with Pichu struggling to hold back her tears. Without saying a word, they slowly walked away from the room. Neither Kirby nor Jigglypuff made an attempt to interact with them.

"Kirby?"

The pink puff in question looked behind him to see a Mii holding a plate.

"Sorry for the delay, here is your food."


	3. Jigglypuff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the hopes that she can potentially keep her friend safe, Jigglypuff goes in to see the Patcher, possibly getting a buff along the way. Also, Kirby gets some advice from his mentor concerning the Patcher.

"Hey Kirby?" Jigglypuff spoke to him as she passed by his doorway.  
"Hmm? What's up, Puff?"  
The Pokémon took a deep breath, and told her friend, "I'm going to see the Patcher."  
"You are?"  
"Yes," she nodded. "I feel curious, and want to experience it for myself... at the very least so that you don't have to. Pika and Pi seem to be okay."  
"Alright, I hope that you'll be okay as well."  
"One other thing, Kirby," Jiggs said before she left. "If I don't come back... tell Sakurai."  
"Of course I will, Jiggs. But I really hope you come back..."

Jigglypuff walked away without saying another word. This left Kirby to think to himself about what was happening in the Patcher's office. He was worried for his friend, she could be in trouble; and as much as reporting it to Sakurai would probably get the Patcher caught, he'd much rather that the Patcher didn't hurt her to begin with. He wanted to go and listen to the Patcher, but there was no need: he had realised that the Patcher's room was located directly underneath the floor in the hallway just outside his door. He just had to go outside his room and put his (metaphorical) ear to the ground. It sounded much clearer than it did the last time he listened in.

"Mr. Patcher?"  
"Hmm? What kind of name is that? Just call me sir."  
"... Could I please have a buff?"

A few moments of silence.

"Possibly. I can't simply give them away, you see."  
"I understand."  
"I know you do. So, what do you have in exchange?"  
"Well... I have a lot of microphones... if you like I could give you a few."  
"Hmm... I am not in need of any microphones. As a matter of fact..."

The distinctive sound of Jigglypuff gasping could be heard.

"... my own microphone is more than enough."  
"Are you suggesting I... ?"  
"I don't think this requires any explanation. For a buff in the next balance patch... can you do it?"

Another few fleeting silent moments passed.

"... Yes, sir. For the buffs... I will."

Nothing more could be heard on Kirby's end, apart from the Patcher's voice.

"Jigglypuff, was it? Your skill in this regard surpasses that of your moveset."

More silence.

"Actually, this much shall be enough. You need not finish, I will promise you a buff without-- agh?!"  
"No, I'll finish this," came the voice of Puff after what seemed like a millennium. "You can't leave a job half done."

Kirby could hear the Patcher toss about in his seat for a few moments before all went dead silent. He heard the door open. He heard the door shut. He heard no voices.

"Phew... I guess Jiggs is gonna be okay then..."  
"Not exactly."

Kirby instinctively turned around, and saw his mentor, Meta Knight, standing there, with his cape concealing his arms, and his yellow eyes glowing from his mask.

"Eavesdropping, are we?" he asked Kirby.  
"I-- I just got worried about a friend! There's nothing wrong with that, right?"  
"No... I wasn't implying you were doing anything wrong. But be careful, Kirby."  
"About what?"  
"About the Patcher. Have you not noticed that his very existence is ominous?"  
"Well... yeah?"  
"Jigglypuff may have come out alive... but she is unlikely to be the same as she once was."  
"I don't understand what you mean... has the Patcher hypnotised her or something?"  
"I don't know. Potentially. But she has taken a big risk, and there is no telling what the Patcher has done to her... or what he will do to anyone else who takes up his offer."  
"This is all so... strange... and scary..."  
"That is why you need to be careful. And you will be, won't you Kirby?"  
"Of course I will, duh!"  
"Excellent. I can say no more now. Farewell..."

Meta wrapped himself in his cape and disappeared, leaving Kirby to question whether he should go and see the Patcher or not. But, as mentioned earlier, a Smash character would want a buff more than anything. That went for Kirby, too.


	4. Kirby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After assessing the risks, Kirby goes into the Patcher's office, and learns the negotiation process... practically.

There he was, standing in front of the door. Written in Japanese were the words, "Balancing Head Dept."

Kirby was wondering if he really should go through with this. After all, the thought of the Patcher made him shiver.

_Well,_ he thought, _if Pika, Pi and Jiggs all came out okay, it shouldn't be anything to worry about._

At the same time he still held onto what his mentor had told him. Was it true that his friends had been... changed? In what way? Was it for the better... or for the worse? These questions swam through Kirby's mind as his cortex tried to come to a consensus. In the end, he decided that it was worth it for the buff. Even if the experience with the Patcher led to him being weaker in the end, the buff would simply make him stronger again. The promise of such a gift outweighed the risks.

And so, Kirby knocked three times on the door with his nub.

"Enter," came the voice of the Patcher from inside.

Kirby tried to relax, and went inside. It was a dim and barren room, with only a single shelf to the left, and the desk directly in front. At the desk was a man wearing a thick raincoat and a fedora that stretched very low. All of this was set up so that nobody would be able to see his face.

"You are Kirby, aren't you?"  
"Yes... sir."  
"What have you come here for?"  
"I have come here because... you posted on Trotter yesterday that Smashers could come and negotiate with you for buffs."  
"I see. So?"  
"Well, I'd like to know if there's any way I can get a buff."

The man tapped his pen on his chin, as if trying to think.

"As a matter of fact, Kirby," explained the Patcher, "there may just be a way."  
"Well then," nodded the little puffball, "I'm all ears."  
"Before I go too much into details," interrupted the anonymous balance team head as he pointed towards the door with his pen, "close that door behind you, would you?"

Kirby did as he was told.

"Now then, Kirby," the Preacher told him, his voice slowly getting more sinister, "what would you do for a buff?"  
"Almost anything," the Star Warrior told him.  
"Almost?"  
"I wouldn't kill my friends, for example."  
"Ah, what a shame..."  
"'A shame'? What the fuck?!"

The Patcher howled with laughter.

"I'm only joking, Kirby. I am not asking you to kill your friends. I will give you a buff under one condition."  
"What is it?"

The Patcher put his hands down to where his belt was and fiddled around with it. Then, out sprung a towering mountain. Upon seeing it, Kirby fell over. He grew even more petrified when he realised what it was.

It was the Patcher's cock. The shaft alone standing at a proud thirty centimetres tall, it was bigger than Kirby's whole body. His testicles were also very big, each one at least the size of Kirby's feet. The bulbous head seemed to be circumcised. Not to mention that it was periodically throbbing, which made it even more threatening.

No wonder his friends were shocked.

_That thing's not going to fit in me,_ the puffball worried, starting to panic. _Oh shit, oh shit, oh..._

After a few moments of fear, a realisation came to him.

_What am I thinking? I can handle this,_ he realised, beginning to relax. _My stomach is literally a pocket universe. I bet I can handle the whole thing._

He stood up, now feeling confident about what was coming next, and let his eyelids droop slightly.

"I think you know what to do," the Patcher told him, with a hard to see grin on his face. "Show me how powerful you can suck."

Kirby began to smile seductively, and licked his lips. He slowly and expectantly walked up to the Patcher's massive erection and gently tickled the tip with his tongue. After teasing for a few moments, he opened his mouth wide and guided the Patcher's member inside.

"Ah, Kirby~" the man moaned. "You're much better than the others..."

This was hardly surprising to the puffball. He began to suck on the Patcher's massive rod, making moans of his own.

"Nnh... harder!"

Kirby happily obliged, starting to take more of the Patcher's dick in his mouth, and using his nubs to massage his balls. His motions were drawing louder and deeper noises from the man. The bedroom eyes that the puffball was giving him probably made it all the more intense.

"You're... agh! Gonna make me... UAH!"

It was only two minutes and already he was coming in Kirby's mouth. Like he would any type of enemy or food, the Star Warrior swallowed each and every salty, creamy load. Meanwhile the Patcher fell in his seat, letting his arms stoop by his sides.

"Wow... that was mind-blowing. You have definitely earned a buff-- GAH?!"

Kirby was climbing over the desk, and into his lap.

"Kirby, what do you think you're doing?"  
"You've started me off, sir, and now and I can't stop~"

Kirby rubbed himself across the man's massive member, as he shivered and gasped quietly. His breathing became heavier and he started to blush.

"So, sir? Will you give me any more buffs~?"  
"I've... ooh, decided..."  
"Hmm? What have you decided, sir~?"  
"I've decided... that if you ride me, and make me cum inside you... I'll give you an additional buff."  
"Hmm... that doesn't seem like a good deal..."  
"Well, OK. Two additional buffs. But that's as much as I'll give you for a single ride."  
"Then I hope you enjoy the body of a young Star Warrior~"

Now was an exquisite time to have some fun. Kirby exposed his intersex genitalia and aligned it with the Patcher's cock. He teased for a few moments before their bodies forcibly collided. Kirby didn't give any warning, he just slammed down to the hilt, moaning loud. Now that it was inside him, not much could be done to stop him from consistently pushing himself up and down, slapping against the Patcher's balls and legs, and moistening the shaft so that it was even more slippery and slid into and out of him. He was getting unfathomably wet.

"Oh... hah... yah... ehh... mah... oh yes! Hah... ah... hah! Nyah!"  
"Wow Kirby, you really are lewd, aren't you?"  
"Damn right I am~... oah!!"  
"Fuck yes..."

The puffball was just so relentless. It was almost as if he had learnt how to do all of this before.

"Hah... are you going to cum, sir?"  
"Ugh... it can't be helped!"  
"You're going to cum, sir~ Oh... you're going to fill me up with all of that hot white sticky goo, aren't you~?"  
"Mmph, yes..."  
"Yes, yes, I'm gonna make you cum, cum, cum~ _Inside of me_ ♪ So you just relax~ Make sure you give me a big load, OK-K sir~? Haaaaah~"

The Patcher didn't have a choice at this point. Kirby made him finally cum, deep inside of his vaginal cavity. It felt so good that the puffball was also forced to orgasm. He bounced in time with his clenches to properly milk the Patcher's balls, as he professionally rode his climax.

He knew that, as he was a boy, this filling wouldn't cause him to have a baby. But he wasn't going to tell the Patcher that, as the threat of pregnancy could be indispensable leverage if he ever got into trouble with him again. Kirby collapsed on the Patcher, like the Patcher collapsed into his seat again.

"Wow... you're... a real killer... ahh..."

After mustering some more energy, Kirby sat up and pushed against the Patcher's cock once more.

"Wh-wha..."  
"Oh sir... hee-hee~! I can go again~!"  
"Really... can you?"  
"Yup," nodded Kirby playfully, "but for a _price_ ~"  
Knowing what he meant, the Patcher responded, "Then let us renegotiate the deal again. In addition to the buffs I am already going to give you, I will give you a buff for every time you make me cum."  
"Say no more~" Kirby whispered lusciously, as he once again began to bounce on the Patcher's staff, causing both of them to start moaning again.


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirby and his friends meet up to show off what buffs the Patcher has bestowed upon them.

The others were gobsmacked when Kirby approached them with a huge stack of shiny red tickets. These tickets were the buffs for Kirby that had been approved by the Patcher.

Jigglypuff, Pikachu and Pichu only had one each. So they were absolutely surprised and definitely jealous that Kirby had at least fifty of them.

"Haiiiiii~" Kirby greeted them, innocently and in a cute manner. "I heard the Patcher gave you some buffs!"  
"He gave us A buff," Jigglypuff responded, before a smile lit up her face. "But you got a lot!"  
"Yeah Kirby, how'd you get so many of those?" Pikachu gasped, gobsmacked.  
"I guess I made a great deal with the Patcher~"  
"I wonder what buffs you got, Kirby," Pichu suggested, taking one to inspect. "Ooh, air boosters. They'll help you fly through the air quicker!"  
"Nice, just what I needed!"  
"'Smash attacks come out three frames earlier?'" Pikachu read another. "What the hell are those things?"  
"A Smash attack is that really powerful one that knocks your opponent away, we've all got three of them, except Joker has six," Jiggs explained. "And a frame is a different measurement of time that Smash uses, I think it's around a sixtieth of a second? So three frames is around a twentieth of a second, I guess."  
"No way! Final Cutter has a Transcendent Damage Absorber? That's busted," Pikachu read a third aloud.  
"Not really, Kirby had a lot of trouble trying to use it against some characters, so I think he could do with something more reliable," Puff commented. She definitely was in the know when it came to battles, or at least Pokémon and Smash battles.

Those were just a few of the buffs that the Patcher had given as a promise to Kirby, who chuckled modestly at the praise.

"OK, enough about me. I wanna know what buffs the Patcher gave you guys! I'm sure they're really great too!"  
"I got registered some air boosters too," Jiggs answered, holding up her ticket, "but my general air speed was already high anyway. I really wanted to be able to fall faster..."  
"Hah!" laughed Fox from the other side of the room irritably, in an attempt to make her feel worse.  
"I only got a buff that makes Quick Attack go quicker," Pikachu lamented. "Like, why didn't I get something that made me throw harder so I can lock my enemy in place with my aerial attacks? This is so unfair..."  
"What I got wasn't even a buff at all!" Pichu cried. "When I discharge electricity with my attacks, I take more damage than I did before! How is that a buff?"  
"Sounds like the Patcher didn't treat you guys nicely," Kirby shook his head in disgust.  
"I guess not," Jiggs agreed, before frowning. "And after all we did for him..."

Suddenly, an idea hit the Star Warrior.

"Don't worry guys," he told them. "I think I know a way to convince the Patcher to give you something better~"

He licked his lips and smiled, winking at them. The Patcher was about to be visited again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, guys! I hope you enjoyed this story. Initially, I didn't plan to have the Patcher be such a mysterious and sinister being, but I guess it worked well as a plot device.
> 
> When it comes to Kirby smut, I have a lot of general ideas that I want to flesh out into something better and more erotic. Don't be afraid to leave some suggestions as I'd love any piece of advice that could help me improve.
> 
> If this story gets enough traction, I might consider translating it into Japanese for all you wonderful puffball lovers in Nihon~
> 
> Lots of love, Auto ♥


End file.
